"On a Spiritual Plain" by Lou Antonelli, published in Sci Phi Journal Issue #2, November 2014 (Castalia House) (online)
Eligibility: Eligible for 2015 Hugo in the category of Short Story
Status: Nominated
This is the editorial voice review. The reader's voice review is forthcoming. (for info on what this means, see here)
First thoughts
This is very much idea SF that runs almost entirely on a “what if” concept. There is a lot of wasted space in this story – it could be tighter, and there were better ways to tell us what the author felt we needed to know. Despite this, the basic idea that he started from is an interesting one and when the author gets going to spin his tale it feels like a classic style of story that would have been at home in a 60s issue of Analog. The writing isn’t precisely scintillating, but its workaday competence does nothing to hurt the story, and indeed the classic, sparse style is perfect for the kind of story this is. Well readable despite its flaws, with the additional advantage of forcing a bit of thought about several revelations, though the author’s treatment of these revelations leaves the reader frustrated.
Ideas
The basic concept isn’t particularly novel, but the story feels like one of a tradition of tackling similar stories from different directions. The problem is that the author doesn’t really tackle the idea so much as give it a quick fanny pat on the way past. The central idea is a veritable mine of neat concepts he could have spun out into a very thoughtful piece even in the context of the workaday “what if” story he seems to have been aiming at. Where he does deal with the subject matter he does so fairly well, but shallowly, like a man who says he loves the sea but restricts himself to rolling up his pants and wading in the surf. There was so much more here that the treatment strikes the reader as lazy.
Writing
The language is sparse and direct, like something you might see in a classic collection, the author laying the bricks of his house with quiet competence. It promises a solid foundation. Such a shame, then, that what he delivers is a bit ramshackle – something that seems to have come into being without much thought to engineering, let alone architecture. The story itself starts before the beginning (a common enough failing for short stories) or rather, a half-hearted attempt to start in the middle is made, after which the author goes back to starting wherever the hell he wanted. On top of this, he abuses the fine art of exposition mercilessly. The story would have benefited greatly from another pass through the pen of a competent editor to tighten up these points as they detract from the story itself. However, as the matter stands, the plotting jars in several places and the exposition is simultaneously dragging and lazily thin on the ground – the same information could have been embedded in richer tale-telling throughout the story.
Characterisation
This is solidly a “what if” idea SF piece, and as such the characters aren’t particularly deep. This is not necessarily a problem, however given the missed opportunities to build a richer world and explore the “what if” question more thoroughly it feels like a loss. Where is the thoughtful discussion between the protagonist and the base commander over a glass of scotch? Where is the protagonist’s struggle to press the native religion into human analogs? Where are the wise alien priest’s subtle nudges toward understanding? All of these would have provided deeper characterisation while serving as a better vehicle for exposition than the encyclopedia paragraphs we’re actually given. Moreover, the lack of character development makes the dialogue suffer: the only 3 characters we meet all seem to be paper cut-outs from behind which the narrator’s voice emerges only slightly muffled. Characters are mere table settings for a story of this sort, but you don’t sit down to dine without any silverware at all, and in this case the lack works against other important elements of the story.
Verdict
As a “what if” story, it has some interesting ideas that intrigue, and the basic wordsmithing is solid if uninspiring. The ideas could have been explored more thoroughly (with concurrent opportunities to improve characterisation) and there are some stylistic and structural flubs that detract from the final work. Readable, and I will be watching this author for future offerings, but this particular work fails to meet my mental bar for Hugo quality. In the final analysis I feel as though this tale might have been better told as a radio play, preferably with an ad for Burma Shave in the middle. Seriously: another format might have allowed the author to better present the vision he had without suffering from the same lacks.
Readability: Pass
Hugo quality: Fail
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